I’m really not. I am the exact opposite. I have started exercise regimes so many times over the years and cannot make it past the one- or two-week mark. It feels a lot like the “pink cloud” some people describe in early sobriety: an intense, euphoric burst of motivation at first, followed by a sharp drop when the novelty wears off. The pink cloud is something many experience during their first few weeks or months of sobriety — they feel on top of the world and convinced they’ve got their addiction under control, but after a while they come down from the cloud and aren’t as enthused to keep going. I haven’t personally navigated that with drinking, but the pattern is similar in my fitness attempts: I start strong, then lose steam and give up far too easily. Talking about the pink cloud — I’m honestly so tired of hearing the same stories about people magically losing weight after they stop drinking alcohol!

My fitness is at an all-time low. I’m the heaviest I have ever been and everyday tasks that used to feel easy have become noticeably more difficult. For my New Year’s resolution I’ve decided to face the challenge head-on and tackle this beast again. I’m doing well in many areas of my life, but I still can’t seem to make exercise stick. My workouts aren’t even particularly strenuous — I’m walking for 40 minutes twice a day — yet I really have to force myself to get out and do them. Some people rave about how great exercise feels. They say it releases dopamine and does wonders for mental health. I don’t believe that. I dislike the lead-up, I resent the effort of the process, and I dislike the way I feel afterward. I’m convinced I’m not built for exercise.

I felt a bit disheartened after my last attempt about a year ago. For a whole month I pushed myself to walk twice daily at a brisk pace, I made sure to eat fruit and vegetables every day, and I completely avoided smoking and drinking. I felt so much better overall, yet I still hesitated to look in the mirror. At the end of that month, with a knot of anxiety, I stepped onto the scales — and to my shock I had put on weight. I was devastated and furious and quickly lost all motivation to keep going. Since then I’ve learned the likely reason: I take medications that are notorious for causing weight gain — Seroquel and high doses of Chlorpromazine. I can’t stop those medications, but, as people keep reminding me, that makes it even more important that I continue with the walks.I’m not going anywhere near the scales until this time next year. Hopefully by then I’ll be down to a number that’s a bit more pleasing.