It’s been a week or so since my last post. Honestly, it feels like nobody cares and probably no one read these stupid entries anyway. I’m sleep deprived and surviving on energy drinks — not healthy. I was awake from 2 a.m. last night, drinking that poison and chain-smoking vapes as if they were going out of fashion. It’s official: I’m back on the vapes. I needed to create something, but painting is out of the question right now; there’s too much negativity and self-doubt clouding everything. Usually I can flip through an illustrated art book or browse a website and that’ll kickstart the artistic juices, but at the moment it’s just not there. My only “artistic” outlet has become this stupid blog.
My diet has been poor, to say the least — I can’t even remember the last time I ate a proper piece of fruit or a vegetable. I’ve been living off ravioli pasta with Bolognese three nights a week, cups of soup, toasted sandwiches, and I’ve swapped drinking beer for V energy drinks — the big ones. I’ve been sculling 500 ml cans that give me a slight buzz and then leave me with a sugar crash that sends me reaching for chocolate. I’ve been using Coles home delivery, and when I place an order their site doesn’t really make healthy options obvious or easy to choose. The plan for my next shop is to focus on fruit, vegetables, nuts and berries. One small positive is that despite the energy drinks I manage to drink over a dozen cups of water a day. Still, my insides hurt.
I’m overweight, I wear the same T‑shirts over and over and rarely change my pants or shorts. My teeth get the occasional brushing and I could almost dreadlock the remaining few grey hairs on my head. My hygiene could definitely be better. I can go days without a shower since I don’t do any exercise to raise a sweat. I have no girl to impress, so why not let my nails grow a bit unruly. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not at the Kurt Cobain extreme of bodily neglect, but I’m locked in a house where I barely see the sun and only venture outdoors for the occasional outing with the people who love me, for whatever reason—when we take a drive or I get to see my partially owned golden lab. I have a great friend in my ex‑girlfriend who would do anything for me; the problem is I can’t reciprocate or offer her much in return. Today was meant to be busy and I ended up suffering a paranoia/panic/anxiety attack and couldn’t step outside, let alone drive. Still, Stella came to the rescue! She took me to get my rent money from the bank, picked up my vapes, took me to the pharmacy, and topped the day off with a visit to see our dog Iggy. She genuinely went out of her way to help me through it. I took some “magic” pills and for a while felt like Superman, on top of the world. Then I came down and decided to write this depressing blog. Kill me!