I have a complicated love–hate relationship with benzos. I have been on and off them for 25 years, and the only one I haven’t tried is Xanax. At the moment I’m taking two benzos — Nitrazepam and Diazepam — which I have been using for as long as I can remember. Many doctors are understandably reluctant to prescribe these medications because they can be highly addictive. Personally, I have never experienced serious dependency problems, but I do take them differently from how they are typically prescribed. Like with many medications, I seem to require a larger dose than the average person, and unfortunately I develop tolerance very quickly.
I know people who can get a noticeable result from just half a tablet (2.5 mg) of Valium, and I honestly don’t understand how that’s possible. I need to take a much larger dose to feel any real effect. I’m not going to say exactly how much I take because I worry my doctors might come across this blog, but I can assure you it’s a dose roughly twenty times what some people take. Even at that amount, it doesn’t make me groggy or sleepy; it only produces a slight sense of relaxation. I don’t use it every day either — I take a dose about once every three days so my tolerance has time to lower before the next one. I’ve been taking it like this for many years now.
I also take a medication called Morgadone (Nitrazepam). This is a sleeping pill usually prescribed to help with sleep and is generally regarded as a last resort for people struggling with severe insomnia. Once again, I take a much higher dose than prescribed and also periodically take breaks from using it. Rather than making me drowsy, it energises me and makes me unusually productive — it has the reverse effect on me. I had a mate who took one pill and it knocked him out cold; he couldn’t be woken, he was in such a deep sleep. What is wrong with me!?
The doctors never explained the risks to me, which strikes me as a bit irresponsible since these medications can be lethal if they’re not managed properly. That danger is especially real when they’re combined with alcohol, which is exactly what I did when I was drinking. Alcohol and benzodiazepines are essentially the only two drugs where stopping them abruptly can actually be fatal. None of this was ever made clear to me. I think I was fortunate to come through it intact — things could easily have gone very badly.
Other benzodiazepines I have taken include temazepam and clonazepam, along with a few others I can’t recall off the top of my head. Another common side effect is memory loss. If you combine them with alcohol you are very likely to black out and wake up remembering little or nothing the next morning.
I am an ideal candidate for these medications. I struggle with severe anxiety and chronic insomnia, and I am not taking them recreationally. I genuinely need this treatment. I took diazepam an hour before writing this blog and I feel completely clear-headed; I don’t notice any immediate effects. Valium has a relatively short half-life, so it leaves your system fairly quickly. That is not the case with Morgadone — its effects can linger and be felt for many hours.
I'm obviously not a doctor or healthcare professional, so please don't take my words as medical advice. If you think this medication might help you, consult your doctor or a qualified healthcare provider.