I have a dilemma. It’s 10 pm and I doubt there’s much chance I will fall asleep without the help of my magical pills. I’ve got a twenty-first birthday tomorrow that will obviously draw a lot of people — not really my scene. Do I take my meds now and try to get some shuteye, or do I save them for tomorrow’s outing? I know I’ll probably regret taking them tonight, but I also want to be rested so I’m not a zombie at the party. I don’t usually attend these shindigs, but it’s my cousin’s celebration and I should make at least an appearance. My mum didn’t even book me a seat because she assumed I wouldn’t go, yet there was a cancellation and I put my hand up. Thanks for asking, Mum.
I suffer from paranoia and social anxiety, which makes even simple events like this party really difficult for me. People wouldn’t know it from looking at me or chatting briefly, but the anxiety is there beneath the surface. I struggle to leave the house most days, so the idea of a large gathering full of people feels particularly overwhelming. On top of that, there’s the complication of facing my family and explaining how I am after my recent spell in hospital. They all received a message from Mum saying how sick I was and that I could have died. It probably isn’t a huge deal to them, but I would have preferred to keep it private. I suppose the damage was already done once Mum sent those texts.
I have the night to myself if I decide not to take my pills, or maybe I should swallow them all and chase a benzo high. They’re always a risky kind of fun. I’m in my room, headphones on, listening to Sonic Youth and typing away. This reads like a bit of a nothing blog, but I felt the sudden urge to start writing. Sometimes it’s comforting to write freely without worrying about a theme or purpose. I can hear the voice in my head asking, what are you wasting your time on, Dave? It’s Friday night — you should be out drinking and partying. That would have been my routine in my twenties. Back then I had a couple of bad-influence mates from Coles and we’d go out every weekend and many weeknights, usually ending up in the city around Crown Casino. Now I couldn’t imagine anything less appealing. It’s simply not my scene anymore. I lost those so-called friends just as I’ve lost nearly every other friend I once had. It doesn’t crush me, but sometimes I catch myself wishing for a bit of company. At least my ex-girlfriend, for reasons I still don’t fully understand, continues to tolerate me.
So the heater is on high, I’m listening to some tunes, and I’m about to take my pills. I’ve got to say I’m honestly quite happy with my living situation at the moment. A lot of people might call me nuts, but living with my brother and the folks is actually a pretty sweet deal. I have everything I need here and then some. Yes, I know — I wrote a blog a couple of weeks ago expressing a few reservations about being older and still living in my parents’ house — but I’m left to my own devices, I have my privacy when I need it, and I’m saving a decent amount of money. I pay a bit of rent, but I don’t cover any utilities, which makes it far cheaper than the place I’d just moved out from.
In other news: I went for a walk today… with gout. I only made it around the block as I was in pain. I get gout maybe twice a year and it usually lasts for a few days. I saw my GP yesterday and he said he can give me pain pills if it gets worse, which I’d gladly take. Come to think of it, it has got a little worse this morning, so maybe I should go back and ask him for a script for some relief. He’s actually a very good doctor: he explains everything clearly, gives me whatever prescriptions I need, spends time with me and doesn’t charge me. He even wrote me a referral to see my old psychiatrist, whom I haven’t seen in twelve months — and I won’t be doing that. I was his patient for 14 years, and I’m sure he’s enjoying the break from me. Psychoanalysis never really works for me; it never has. I’ve never given therapists much to work with. I imagine most patients go in and spill their guts and make full use of their half hour, while I’m usually ready to leave after five minutes.
I have tickets to see A Perfect Circle and Puscifer in December, and I’m really looking forward to it. I’ve seen Puscifer before, but this will be my first time at an APC concert. I’ve seen Tool several times — for those who don’t know, Tool, APC and Puscifer are all groups led by Maynard James Keenan. I saw Tool at the Good Things festival not long ago, but I won’t be going to festivals again; it was at the Sidney Myer Music Bowl where there was no seating, and because I’m getting on in years my lower back and legs ache when I stand in the mosh for hours. We ended up sitting down and just listening, which wasn’t my best experience. Over the past twelve months I’ve seen a lot of acts: Thom Yorke, Pearl Jam, Pixies, Nick Cave, Henry Rollins, Grinspoon and others. I love live music, and I always have my partner in crime with me at these shows.