Consider reading part 1 first. Scroll down.
Things broke down with J (I’m going to refer to him as J) and I think we needed some time apart. I slept through our last consultation which I missed and I know how much that pisses him off. I didn't call, they didn’t call, and that’s more or less where things fell apart. I thought I might get a call just checking if I was okay, but he’s a busy man and that never came. I guess I assumed that after seeing each other for so long we both needed a break. I was a pain in the arse client for him and I wasn’t getting anything useful from the sessions anymore — each one felt more or less the same. J is a great psychiatrist and over the years he helped me with a lot. The other thing is, I stopped taking Clozapine. J was one of the few people who could prescribe it, so I needed to see him. Since the break-up I now see my GP. He is great — I get all my scripts from him, we always have a proper talk and he bulk bills me. I now use my GP for what I used to rely on J for.
After my nightmare stay at Frankston a few weeks back, my GP suggested he send off a referral to J, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to see him yet. I feel like my case is a bit too full-on for my GP to manage, and having him refer me to J would take a lot of pressure off my doctor. I’m still undecided — maybe it’s the right move, maybe I need more time to think.
Something else I wanted to mention is the stark difference between private cover and having no cover at all. When it comes to hospitalisations, private care is so much better—there really is no comparison; it’s black and white. I’ve had my fair share of experiences, possibly across five different hospitals, and the contrast is obvious. The public system can be a joke, but it’s not funny when you’re the one suffering. Outside of Frankston I went to Casey, and that place was genuinely frightening. It felt like all of the most disturbed patients had been put together and left to their own devices. There was a single TV and a couch, and a bed only separated by a thin curtain; for meals I would get an apple, a terrible sandwich and an orange juice. There was virtually no communication between me and the nurses, no access to psychiatrists, and no Wi‑Fi or TVs in our room. At night people were screaming, alarms and beeps were constantly going off, and I was woken every ten minutes. I’d never experienced anything like it before. It was a hard lesson, but a clear reminder of why I choose to pay for health insurance.
I can’t see myself going back into hospital. I believe I have gained the necessary tools, I just need to learn how to use them consistently. I’m fairly well read when it comes to alcoholism and what it takes to stay sober. I’d consider AA or having a sponsor, but honestly I don’t feel that I need it for myself. In the past I even picked up beer after AA meetings, so group attendance alone wasn’t the answer. Doctors can offer guidance, but they can’t do the work for me. I have to do this on my own, and that’s fine because I know the approach that works for me and I’m capable of following through. I don’t like being told what’s best when my experience tells me otherwise. At the end of the day the only person I truly trust is myself, and I don’t need an intermediary between me and my recovery.