I have lost my creativity and I hope it finds its way back soon. I haven’t even felt a spark of artistic thought since I became unwell and spent a week in hospital not long ago. I know the creative part of me is still there — it’s just hiding for now. Usually my head is full of a few or many ideas buzzing around, but at the moment I’ve had absolutely zilch. On top of that, I’ve been determined to save money, which only complicates things; for once in my life I’m hoarding the dreaded dollar and can’t justify spending hundreds on supplies. There’s also the nagging fear that I’m a fraud and that my art isn’t any good. Sure, I made plenty of sales on Marketplace and everything I posted sold, probably over twenty pieces, though I never kept exact count. I suspect that success came from pricing things too cheaply, and I’m unsure whether I’d see the same interest if I raised prices to where they should likely be.
I know… I shouldn’t be overly concerned about how much they sell for; it’s the process of creating that matters most, and if something sells, then swell. The problem is I’m not a young lad anymore, and spending long hours behind an easel gives me aches and pains, especially in my lower back. Then there’s the dilemma of where to set up my gear. I’m always paranoid about getting paint on everything — I don’t really have my own little spot where I can paint freely without worrying about making a mess. I apply the paint very thickly and I even use the hose as a tool to achieve the desired effect, but the old man is pretty strict. Even getting a few drops of paint on the lawn is a big no. It’s strange: he encourages me to paint, yet he won’t turn a blind eye to small splatters on the grass. That tension takes some of the pleasure out of the work, because I’m constantly worrying about the potential mess.
Because I work outside, there are a few environmental factors to consider as well. I can’t paint in the rain (and it’s currently winter), and I can’t paint in strong wind—my canvases get blown off the easel and I’m not about to risk a dramatic ear incident like Van Gogh’s. In warmer weather I’m constantly shifting the easel and canvas into the shade, and I burn easily, so sun exposure is another thing I have to manage.
I need a studio. I keep telling myself that once I start selling my work for a decent dollar I’ll be able to hire a space where I can properly set up and call it my little place on this planet. That’s the dream, anyway. I used to use Dad’s shed, which was perfect, but it’s now full of his motorbikes. If I were to get paint on them, my life wouldn’t be worth living!
Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. Before I can even consider any of this I’ve got to reactivate my brain and start thinking about what I want to create. There’s another minor issue — I’ve always enjoyed having a beer while I paint. Now that that’s out of the equation, I’m not sure I can get those creative juices up to a full hundred percent.