Let’s get this out of the way. Before I continue, this will be my first and last blog on alcohol, drugs and mental health, I’m going to roll it all up into one entry. After that I’ll return to the art-focused posts the site is meant for. On my old blog I made the mistake of giving too much of myself; I would write in a raw, stream-of-consciousness way and then publish it. I feel comfortable and safe sitting on my bed typing and tossing words around, but almost immediately after hitting publish I regret everything I spent hours shaping. At the time it feels harmless, part of the creative process, and I tell myself I’ll be completely honest. But that mindset, creating and giving a piece of my soul to the internet can be dangerous, and I don’t want to make a habit of it in this blog, but I’m sure little bits will creep in occasionally.
I’m going to put this down and then it is done and out of the way. It’s remarkable how just a few honest words can be so hard to write; I live with depression, major anxiety and schizophrenia. I am also a recovering drug and alcohol addict. There, I've said it. It’s done. I already feel a weight lifting from my shoulders. This may not surprise those close to me—family and friends who know me well—but it’s rarely spoken about out loud… ever. Mental illness carries such a heavy stigma. Schizophrenia especially, because people don’t understand it and they fear what they don’t know. I wouldn’t always know how to talk to someone with schizophrenia myself; it’s an isolating condition. Depression, anxiety and ADHD tend to be easier subjects to discuss, at least for me, though I don’t have ADHD, sometimes it feels like everyone else does. In Australia, around 800,000 people are currently taking medication for these kinds of illnesses; schizophrenia affects about one percent of the population. I’m getting a bit off track now, but some of my symptoms include hearing voices that even I and others can find hard to comprehend, and episodes of paranoia. I won’t go into much more detail than what I’ve already shared on that. What I will add is that I have had over twenty psychiatric hospital admissions. and have been on dozens of medications.
And then comes alcohol. I am two months sober now, and in that time I have developed a deep hatred for it. Even the mere thought of drinking again makes me feel queasy and unsettled. I never drank for the taste, I drank for the effects it gave me. It’s something I have done since I was legally able to buy it, a habit that stretched over many years. I’ve been drinking piss for a long time; it really is a terrible drug. It affects every part of the body, from the head down to the toes. It was cancelling out the important medications I take, it drained me financially, and I grew tired of having to be sneaky about it. I have kidney disease, and I blame much of that on my beer consumption. And that’s another thing: I don’t want to downplay it, but I was strictly a beer drinker, I just drank an awful lot of it. I went through three stints of rehab, I got a DUI many years ago, and I spent time behind bars in various police stations. One small mercy was that alcohol didn’t change my demeanor when I was intoxicated; I wasn’t violent to others, only to myself. The same applies to my mental health: I have never harmed an insect.
I said I wouldn’t go too deep into this blog and, somehow, here we are again. I’ve done it again. Believe me, there have been hundreds of difficult, sometimes outright negative, experiences I’ve been through that would make for compelling reading, but, like most people, I’ll keep many of those to myself. Thanks for reading, everyone. Cheers.