I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m surviving but getting by on very little sleep. I saw a news headline claiming Elon Musk only sleeps two hours a night — where is my news special? I’m averaging something like that: sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less, but my sleep cycle is completely messed up. Before you suggest medication—I already take it, and not the mild types like diazepam or temazepam. I’m on what feels like a last‑resort medicine and it doesn’t actually make me sleep. Most of the time it energizes me to get things done and gives me a small high. I should add that I take far more than is prescribed. Today was a good example: I got almost no sleep last night. I woke at 12:30 a.m. and couldn’t drift off again. Next thing you know I’m listening to the cars on their commute to their jobs they hate. I stayed awake all night and made plans for the day. I took a heroic dose of valium and it helped me put in six straight hours of painting. Sleep was the last thing on my mind. I was productive and produced some decent work. It’s now almost 3 p.m. and I’ve hit a wall. I’ve taken my usual handful of meds and I’m guaranteed at least a couple hours of rest. After that brief state of bliss I’ll be up again and the whole cycle will repeat.
I don’t do much to help myself. I drink energy drinks and a strong coffee or two, and I don’t do any physical activities to wear my body out. At the end of the day it’s not the worst of my inflictions. I don’t work and I have few commitments, so I can sleep when needed. I just wish it were more consistent and predictable.
I listen to YouTube rain drops and thunderstorms, and I try to meditate while steering away from heavy music or podcasts all night as I attempt to get some shuteye. So if I occasionally manage five, six, or seven hours, that feels like a win. This doesn’t happen often, but I take it as my body telling me I NEED SLEEP, and when it works I wake up feeling refreshed. I think this is just how I’ve been built. A positive, you might say, is that I’m experiencing more of life and not wasting my precious time in slumber; it’s just the quality of waking life that concerns me. Goodnight, everyone!