I never intended this blog to become an outlet for me to constantly bitch and moan, but right now there feels like nowhere else for me to go. I need to get a few things off my chest, and trying to process this through my art just isn't cutting it at the moment. I have tried. Ignore the title—God has nothing to do with the predicament I'm in. It feels like the whole world is falling apart around me and I have no one to turn to for help. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way, and I know there are people far worse off than I am, but that doesn't make it easier. I’ve decided to call today a mental health day. That means turning off my phone, being very selective about what I watch on YouTube, avoiding the news, and basically doing nothing. I have no commitments and the day is mine, so taking it slow and doing very little is exactly what I plan to do.
I had a little bit of a test last night. I’d invited a friend round since the folks are overseas for a couple of weeks; I wasn’t exactly seeking company, but having the house to myself felt like a chance to host someone who tends to smoke and drink. A brief visit wouldn’t hurt, right? Midnight was approaching, he’d just finished his tenth beer, and I needed sleep. I haven’t put myself in a drinking environment in almost six months. I never felt tempted to drink, but no one really enjoys being around someone who’s drunk unless they’re drunk too. I’m a bit disappointed in him for not respecting my sobriety in my own home, for overstaying his welcome, and for passing out on the couch. I’m fully aware I can’t control other people’s drinking and I didn’t want to make a scene, but I had to invent an excuse to get him to leave this morning because I was absorbed in my art and couldn’t afford distractions. I’m fine socialising, but only for a couple of hours — not a full day. He then asked if he could stay while I went out; I said no. He said he’d come over again tonight and I told him I’d message him. Take a hint, buddy. He’s gone now, and I’ve had fleeting thoughts about drinking since I have the place to myself and had that exposure last night. I know it won’t happen — the urge isn’t strong, but it’s there.
On top of this, I have been depressed as hell lately, weighed down more than usual. The current state of the planet has been causing me real issues and gnawing at my sense of safety. I have to stop watching the news channels online because it leaves me raw and unsettled. If all I am being told is true, or even a little of it, we are in horrendous times that are approaching quickly and with worrying momentum. I won’t dive into this one now because I don’t want to drag other people down, but it’s hard not to feel overwhelmed. I just don’t understand how people can go about their daily lives as if the world will always be the same. To be honest, I don’t think people are fully aware of the implications the world faces — the slow shifts and the sudden shocks. I’m at the point now that if I make it through the next year or two, I’ll consider myself doing well. We may be managing for the moment, but that doesn’t mean we will be living the lives we expect to see out. I’m no fortune reader or philosopher (obviously), but I do see where things are headed, and that’s because I research this stuff regularly. People think they are informed by watching the mainstream news and scrolling on their phone or reading the paper, but real understanding requires digging deeper. No special intelligence is needed, just a genuine desire to know.
I’ve almost given up on everything. I don’t want a wife and kids, I don’t want the latest phone or a new car, I don’t want friends, I don’t want credit cards, I don’t care about savings… none of it seems to matter anymore. The only thing I feel I have is my art, and even that I’m questioning — what’s the point of creating if everything collapses? My crappy art won’t mean anything once I’m gone, so why bother trying? Why try so hard to remain sober? Why am I seeing a physical health freak next week? Why do I do anything at all? Here I am, already anxious about the coming months, and I have three nephews to think about! What chance do they have in a world that feels so uncertain? I know it sounds morbid, but once again…it’s the truth as I see it. My own personal view is to avoid bringing children into this mess; it feels selfish otherwise, and like signing up for a lot of unnecessary hard work, worry, and sleepless nights.
Sorry for the negative content — I know I went off on a few tangents, but I just needed to get it out. Wishing everyone the best of luck!