His eyes and skin were yellow, he had jaundice. He was on deaths door and yet here he was in a rehab clinic. His daily consumption of alcohol was two bottles of vodka for god knows how many years?! He couldn’t hold a conversation. This man was maybe in his late fifties but he was probably younger. When he entered for day one of his rehab stint even his cloths smelt like booze. He was simply gone and it was sad to see.
Now, here was me. Little old me! I enjoyed drinking a few beers. A few is playing it down but I wasn’t drinking enough for it to become overly problematic. I drank more than I should have but compared to some of my fellow inmates I was an absolute lightweight. I didn’t even feel like I should have been in that same situation as these people. This gentleman wasn’t the only one like this. A lot of these people were at the end stages of alcohol addiction. It made me feel like a lightweight.
Did rehab work for me? Well obviously not from the first visit as I went back for a second stay. The answer is a simple no! On both occasions I relapsed shortly after the completion of both of these month long stints. Sure I was loaded with all the information and the tools to fight against the drink but deep down I wasn’t ready to quit. You really needs to be. I still had a love affair with beer and the occasional wine or vodka mix. In order for one to quit and remain sober they have to really want it and I wasn’t in that territory. There was more drinking to be done. After the first admission I drank within an hour of leaving. I must have had this planned all along as it took me no time at all to finding myself driving through that bottle shop drive through. I wasn’t ready.
This came after attending hours of AA, so many classes at the hospital, listening to so many other patients war stories and one-on-ones with the councilors. I was full to the brim with the information but I didn’t care. I didn’t even feel guilty in drinking again. Rehab was like a vacation from the alcohol and now I was home!
This continued for a long time until I had enough. It got old. It was the same routine every day and alcohol was no longer helping me and it was making my life miserable. Another rehab visit wasn’t going to cut it so I had to take the matter into my own hands. Without the help of anyone I was able to quit. I’ve heard so many times that you can’t do it with help, whether this is AA or talking to a psychologist who specialises in this area. All nonsense! It was really drummed into us that this couldn’t be done without help. I did it by myself and didn’t even struggle. I’m approaching six months of sobriety and this came down to my own willpower. I have honestly not even found it hard. It has been a breeze. My initial plan was to go for 3 months and see how I was travelling at that stage but that came around and I figured I’d go for six. Now that I’m almost at that mark I never want to go back. I am no longer a drinker I am proud to say… and I did it all by myself! I don’t need an AA chip or a certificate from the hospital.
I’m not kidding myself. I know my journey has only just started. I don’t want to fall off that ‘pink cloud’ but I know I won’t. I can’t think of anything that would make me want to pick up that drink again. I was counting the days I had been sober but I’ve even lost count of these - which is a good thing I think? (I just did the math and I’m on day 163)