"Hangxiety"—or hangover anxiety—is the intense, lingering worry or dread experienced the day after drinking. It is primarily driven by your brain attempting to rebalance its chemistry after alcohol's depressant effects wear off” - Google
This was something I would experience every day after drinking. For so long I believed it was unique to me. I couldn’t quite work it out, though I increasingly suspected the beer might be the instigator. I could almost guarantee I was going to go through this, yet I knew I only had myself to blame. It has always been hard to describe, but I will do my best: I stressed about everything, from the cleaning that needed to be done to small household details; I grew paranoid about my online accounts, especially my bank details, emails and Facebook. I lost my appetite completely and barely ate. I couldn’t bring myself to drive my car, and then worry about my health would follow — every lump or bump felt like it might be the end of me.
The only thing is I would need to take my strong meds, which would steady me and see me through until the next bout. The internet feels like it is tracking me along with the cops. In a sober state all of this sounds like nonsense, and I can even tell myself that, but it doesn’t seem to help. Certain intrusive words and images lodge in my head and I am unable to shake them. This pattern comes with the onset, so I know roughly what to expect again soon. Thank God for medication — without it I don’t know how I would try to alleviate this awful affliction. I have spent so many hours reading sobriety blogs, and it has become apparent that many guests report the same experiences; something else I’ve noticed is that almost everyone on these podcasts appears to struggle with ADHD. This seems incredibly common.
I don’t want to leave my dark bedroom because I’m growing more suspicious that people might be spying on me, and I need YouTube selections to be simple and user-friendly. I have to confuse anyone watching with my own chaotic algorithms — they’re all over the place. The computer, TV, radio and music blur together and feed the delusions. I sometimes believe. Thank goodness I still have a certain level of insight into my illness. I’m starting to fall off track again… hangxiety!
Since I stopped drinking alcohol I’ve only experienced a handful of these attacks. I still can’t get to the bottom of what’s causing them, and neither can the psychiatrists I’ve seen. It feels like a lonely condition because it’s nearly impossible for anyone else to truly understand what’s happening — partly my own fault for not providing clinicians with all the details they would need. It’s close to impossible to describe; even writing on this blog I struggle to put it into words. Things are slowly improving, but I still have to rely on medication. At least I know I’m not alone, and that both I and the illness actually have a name.