I wish benzodiazepines had a longer half-life. I take large amounts of them every few days, but the problem is the effects wear off so quickly. They’ll give me a brief high and then, within an hour, I’m back to my usual, anxious self. Diazepam is useless for me. I have to take very high doses to feel anything at all, and then I’m brought back down, left knowing I can’t use them again for a few days because my tolerance is up and they won’t do anything. Nitrazepam works better and gives me a longer period of relief, but I’m only prescribed twenty tablets every fortnight, which means I only get a few doses. I rarely use them for sleep, which is what they’re intended for; instead I take them during the day if I have an upcoming stressor or something that raises my anxiety. No plans for today. I very seldom have plans on any given day, but since today is a Sunday I’m allowed to take it easy and move at my own pace. I’d like to say I had some pot to add to my relaxing day, but that would cause havoc and I know better than to touch it. Unless I want paranoia and panic attacks, which I absolutely do not. I don’t miss that side of weed. There’s always been something a little romantic about taking a small hit, a tiny ritual of unwinding, but I know exactly where that path will lead me. It’s not just me — I see podcasts every day where people sheepishly admit they take a smoke and then spiral into anxiety, while others can smoke and get on with their day completely carefree. Joe Rogan’s a good example. He smokes and puts on a three-hour podcast and stays completely fine. If that were me, I’d be curled up in the corner on the floor in a fetal position. I don’t miss it at all — I already go through psychotic episodes and don’t need any help from weed. Even coffee affects me now: one to two cups of strong coffee and I start feeling ill and just plain yuck. It doesn’t sit well with my anxiety either. Sometimes I joke about taking up heroin, because I’ve heard it gives a chilled high, but the thought of becoming a junky scares me more than anything. My sleep is completely all over the shop. I’ve slipped into a very predictable routine where I fall asleep around 11pm and then wake at about 2am, maybe 3am at the latest. I end up watching YouTube and writing blogs, then eventually fall asleep a few hours later most of the time. Otherwise I call that the start of my day. It just leaves me tired and I sometimes have to take a siesta. I wish I were a normal person who could sleep right through the night — that would be lovely. If I weren’t such an idiot, I could take my nitrazepam before bed and maybe that would help, but no — I take it during the day so I can cope with the world around me. Now I’m completely out and can’t get another script for ten days. This is how it has worked for years… EMERGENCY… I’ve just opened my last vape and, as sometimes happens, it doesn’t work. This isn’t good. That lazy day I was talking about has now turned into a trip to the tobacconist, who don’t open for half an hour. This really pisses me off. They’re too expensive for this to happen. There’s forty bucks down the drain. They don’t offer refunds. I could use that as an excuse to stop, but I’m far too hooked to walk away. Damn it — this keeps happening to me. I usually buy four and I’m almost certain that one of them will turn out to be a dud. When I was in hospital not long ago I went the whole week without a single puff and managed just fine. So why can’t I do the same out here in the real world? These things are far more addictive than cigarettes. I wish I had stronger willpower, the way I handle beer these days. I’d better get going. Have a good day! Please remember to hit the ‘older posts’ link at the bottom of the page for more content.