Bloody insomnia. It is 3:48am and I haven’t been able to get any rest whatsoever. This often happens on the days leading up to when I start my next art project. I know what I want to paint and I have it all planned out, yet there is some anxiety playing its role as my constant enemy. I’m sure people have no idea what an art piece takes: it’s the tense lead-up I’m experiencing now, followed by the most frustrating part — driving around hunting for the right paints and canvases. The shop I try to frequent is tucked inside the main Frankston shopping centre, and it’s a long trek to the car with a trolley full of canvases, often requiring several trips. I hate these places at the best of times, but this really gets to me. I don’t like crowds or busy spaces, and I resent the consumerism that fills the mall. I’m uneasy around cameras and uncomfortable with authority figures like security or cops. Finally, with my products secured, I can breathe a little — I’m out of there at last.
Let me get back to the insomnia thing. I do get some sleep and I don’t suffer the total sleeplessness that some people endure for days on end. I just have a rough time sleeping at night and I often find it difficult to catch any real shuteye. I toss and turn, wake repeatedly, and keep glancing at the clock, watching the hours creep by. Thank God I don’t have a job that I absolutely must be up for every morning; running on no sleep at work would is brutal.
I have tried nearly every medication available for my insomnia. Diazepam, temazepam, stilnox, imovane, chloral hydrate, clozapine and, as a last resort, nitrazepam. Sometimes these give me a few hours of sleep if I’m lucky, but as with many benzodiazepines they have a short half-life. I find myself needing to increase the dose more and more, and I’m not sure they even put me to sleep properly any longer. When they do work, the effect is often brief and unsatisfying.
When I was a drinker I would pass out every night, and although everyone has always told me that it isn’t proper sleep, all I know is it would put me out, keep me asleep for hours, and—depending on how much I drank—I would wake up feeling relatively refreshed. That’s a slight lie: often I woke up feeling like absolute shit, but I still managed ten hours or so of sleep. How is that not considered sleep? I have to keep reminding myself that it’s only been just over two months since I went sober; my body is still getting used to this new way of living. I’ve only just begun my journey with a nondrinking routine, and I need to give my mind time to adjust to this new reality. I’m loving being sober, but what complicates things is how I first got started — I believed alcohol helped me sleep. I might be wrong, but honestly I don’t think so.
Anyway, this is no longer an option, so I need to find another way. Lately I haven’t even tried to go to sleep because trying doesn’t get me anywhere. I fall asleep when I fall asleep, no matter how much I force it. I do a bit of light meditation sometimes, and if I’m really tired this can help. There are a couple of little tricks I’ve learned that do help on occasion. I always have music or podcasts playing through the night. I try to turn them off, but more often than not I eventually drift off and leave my laptop playing. I don’t do myself any favors by drinking energy drinks all day. I have replaced the puss with Monster and V’s. Another thing I find myself doing almost every night is not getting under the covers. I fall asleep with the heater on without getting under the covers. It sounds odd, but it works for me sometimes; once again, I fall asleep this way so it doesn’t always pan out, but when I am covered in bedding I tend to get longer rest. That method also gives me nightmares too because I overheat without waking — I can’t win.
The clock just ticked over to 4:37 a.m. There’s no going to sleep now. I’m hanging out for the hardware store to open at 7am so I can buy a heap of spray cans. I have some plans. No, I’m not a graffiti artist; I’m just a plain, ordinary artist. I’m after mostly white because I want to paint over canvases that haven’t sold. Instead of burning them or putting them in the hard rubbish, I want to give some of the rejects another chance. Goodnight, everyone (yeah, right!).