Do you ever feel happy about making a purchase only for that pleasure to be dulled by the knowledge that you spent so much on it? I feel that way every time I visit the art store. I bought everything I needed and even put money aside specifically for this, but a guilty knot settles in knowing how much I spent. For those who don’t know, I don’t have a traditional job; the closest thing to work for me is selling my paintings, and that is a huge undertaking. I have to catalogue and photograph them, upload them to websites, handle enquiries, arrange viewings, and when a painting sells I often find myself hosting strangers in my home as they ask probing questions about its meaning while trying to negotiate the price down. Every time I go through this process I usually succeed and sell most of my listings, but it demands enormous effort and emotional energy. I really need some kind of manager or business partner to handle the administrative side so I can focus on creating.
The problem lately is that I haven’t tried to sell my work and I’ve been lost in my own fantasy land, creating whatever pleases me rather than what a client might want. All of this money I’m spending is for my personal enjoyment, and I can’t sustain that pattern. Without going too deep into my finances, I spent over five hundred dollars today, mostly on paints. It’s the same story every visit: I’m satisfied I have enough materials to keep me going for a short while, but I can’t justify spending money that could and should go toward necessary things like bills, petrol for my car, health insurance, groceries and rent. I’m not irresponsible enough to use funds I absolutely must have for those essentials, yet I’m left with virtually nothing in savings. I’ve actually dipped into my hard-earned savings account, and that truth is both worrying and depressing.
Not all of my art comes out as planned, so this truly feels like a waste of money. I have an Amazon delivery today and I’m not even going to tell you how much it cost. I can’t just order one or two boxes of paints or pastels — I end up having to buy ten! I don’t do things by halves. I’ve accumulated over two hundred brushes when all I realistically needed was ten. Everything I purchase is of the highest quality, and none of it helps solve the debt I’m likely to sink into.
Something that soothes my mind but also terrifies me is the prospect of humanity’s end brought on by AI. I see this as a real possibility and I’m honestly convinced it will happen. What will matter once I’m either dead or outfitted with some RDFI chip in my hand or brain? Money could become meaningless. I figure I might as well go out with a bang. Other people might spend their money on cocaine and sex, but at least I am creating — and creation lasts far longer than half an hour. We all die and we can’t take our money with us.
Anyway, I’m going to start making something with my new materials and try to distract myself from the inevitable demise we all face. By the way, I didn’t just decide this takeover will happen on a whim — I’ve done tons of research and listened to many lectures, talks, and discussions with highly respected people. The general consensus, sadly, seems to be that we don’t stand much of a chance. Interesting and scary times ahead, people. Prepare — and no, I don’t mean by visiting the art store!