I’m bloody miserable. I spent the night without sleep, unable to fall asleep because I had painting on the mind; the images and colours kept circling until dawn. This happens to me often, and if it’s not art that’s keeping me awake it could be any other issue rattling around in my head, small worries magnified in the dark. I had it all planned. I have the canvases, the paints and brushes and the motivation to keep me busy for a week — everything I ever wished for from a kid through to recent years. There was no excuse not to create something good. I was out of bed at sunrise with brushes in hand, ready to take on a masterpiece because what could go wrong, right? I had the whole process in my head: the first washes, the layering, the moment that would make me smile at the end of the day. It didn’t go to plan.
I found myself on my tarp, my isle set and paints lined up by my side. Staring at a black canvas can feel intimidating, almost like facing a blank demand for bravery. After about five minutes of work I realized today wasn’t going to be as successful as I’d hoped. Usually, when things go downhill I try to compensate by adding more colours and heavy wash downs with the hose, which only pull me further into negative thoughts. The once-vibrant pigments, blended in desperation, now resembled muddy grays and browns. It felt like a failure already — such a disappointing, deflating moment. I’m sure most artists know that point when enough is enough… Next canvas, please. I salvaged the expensive support by washing it clean so I can have another go, but I won’t approach it this time with quite so much confidence.
On the upside, I didn’t use the expensive paints I bought yesterday, even though I had hoped they would be completely worth it. I bought four tubes that cost me over $100, and I wasn’t willing to invest them in something I wasn’t sure would work out. With the other paints I already own — literally hundreds of tubes — I have everything I need, yet I still manage to mess things up. I feel like such a failure! Maybe I should consider stacking shelves at Coles instead.