I’ve decided to take a break from my art endeavors. It’s been wearing me down and increasingly taking over my life. There are no half measures when it comes to my work — I can’t treat it as a hobby. I always feel compelled to take things as far as I can and to elaborate every idea fully. It really does become life-consuming. I was up until 4am this morning drawing and didn’t surface until well into the afternoon. It’s a constant cycle: when I’m not making something, I’m obsessively planning the next piece, and that need becomes so urgent I have to feed the monster and translate my thoughts into physical form. One of the problems I’m facing is that I’m feeding this beast far too often; it’s playing games with my head, a condition likely worsened by lack of sleep and too many energy drinks.
The house is a mess. The house, which is not mine, has paint stains everywhere, and as much as it sounds simple I can’t help but make these mistakes. For a full-time artist without a dedicated studio, it is a real challenge not to leave my marks around the place. It plays to my paranoia and anxiety. Every step I take I check the soles of my shoes, I inspect my clothing and walk on eggshells while I do whatever it is I need to do in the house. I do my absolute best, but these things happen. All of my clothing, including my Tool and Radiohead hoodies, every piece of my beloved and collected music t‑shirts and hoodies, is speckled with paint. I don’t think I own an item of clothing without smears of paint on it. I don’t care at the end of the day. I’m an artist who is in no way materialistic. For the last few years I’ve mostly been using acrylics, which are forgiving when it comes to cleaning floorboards and carpets. One day I will have my own studio and be able to remove the burden and constant stress of leaving a mess. That is my dream, though it feels like one that may never come true.
I need a break so I don’t burn out. Lately I’ve noticed my enthusiasm isn’t what it used to be. I still love what I do, but I need to start saving a little money, get more organised, and pull myself together so I can enjoy returning to my passion again in the near future.